Another first..

Here's my swimming champion at his very first Prep swimming carnival, they all got a ribbons and there were no real placings while they are this age..but still exciting..

Felix's beloved PE teacher Mr Bell reminded the Prep Class that while it was a race, it didn't matter if you came first or last it was joining in that mattered...

Gorgeous sentiment, but he told me later he "won" while he didn't come first over the line...that morning he'd been all anxious about coming last, seems he was very happy he wasn't last..so he really did have a "win"...

I snuck a few pics and then I had to dash to work..

(Felix is second from the end on the right side)

Biking to school..

We started this when my car died a week ago and realised how much fun ..though very hot today.. it is to walk/ride to school..

I took some pictures on this mornings ride to swimming carnival (hence the yellow house shirt) The car is alive again, but we decided to keep the walk/riding going...

Riding is great fun for Felix and great exercise for me as I have to push him up all the hills..its pretty cool that he can still use this eurotrike..makes life alot safer and easier to help for me...we get lots of comments and smiles on the way...

update

It's been awhile between updates...really out of lack of desire to share I guess more than anything..I've been in more of a introspective mood lately and not really motivated to share my thoughts.

Life has, as it always seems to, full of turns and ebbs. I seem to be constantly seeking peacefulness in the crazy world I live, but at the same time change seems to be attracted to me.

One of the main significant things I have been working with, is the decision whether to send Felix to Year One or not. There have been plenty of meetings, appointments and decisions to make.

Felix is really doing so well.

He is growing stronger and taller daily, however I am having to work very hard to get the right balance of food into his body. Last doctors appointment, he had lost 300 grams again. Which fortunately did not ring alarm bells for Dr Steinburg just yet, but we were given the protein talk again..

Felix is currently doing four swimming lessons a week, two with his prep class and two after school one on one lessons. When I think of his passion and application to it, it brings a proud lump to my throat. I can see his tiny frame transforming into broader chest and strong legs, slowly week by week.

He's no gazelle in the pool as yet, but his passion for water as a child reminds me of myself. I am conscious of the fact that formal swimming can reduce this. However, its a double benefit as as much as he needs to build that muscle tone. I think killing the passion would be a greater loss. For now its great, there's plenty of love, so I am trying to catch his skills up and then I'll let him direct where we go with it.

We are trying to get some weight to stick so he can continue to grow, but I feel we are getting there. Protein, fats, sustagen drinks are the aim, and increasing his portion size..bigger meals..its not easy getting someone else to eat! Would be so much easier if I could transfer some of my excess!

He is reading words, counting and deciphering patterns and words at a fast rate, and right now seems to be leading so much towards going forward that it seems to out way the benefits to him staying back.

One of the main motivations in him moving to Year One now is his behaviour. His classmates moderate his tendencies to be the clown and help keep him on track. Putting him with younger children would mean that he'd be on his own emotional level again, which to me sounded original great, but as his Teacher point out, there is less chance he'd have others be able to guide him. Also that he "academically" ready to start. He has read at a basic level, write, identify numbers, his fine motor skills are improved out of site.

Though I have reservations at the thought him sitting at a desk all day with no breaks, and I am worried he'll start the wrong behaviour to gain attention. We are getting an OT to come and assess him prior to next year and put in strategies to help with his low tone and sitting for long periods. The school assure me they'll consider his needs in this regard.

He is a happy, popular, bright little boy, and I'm proud of him. We still struggle but we are getting there.

The pic at the top is me on my birthday "treat" night with Mr G, a night at the Stamford hotel overlooking the river..sparkling wine on arrival...pure bliss!

Scootering on a Sunny Sunday in September...

I have been thinking of getting Felix a scooter for Xmas, on the recommendation that they are wonderful for Balance..and looked like great fun..so Felix tried L's (which a little small but perfect for a trial run)) but gave him a wonderful taste of scooter ness...

On a rare Sunday its just Felix and I, we took the opportunity to go out to a favourite venue..the Queensland Museum and Gallery Of Modern Art (coat checking the scooter)..while we did go inside to visit our favourite haunts..it was too beautiful outdoors to stay indoors...

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Just a glorious day and a fun way to get some exercise and balance work..got some great shots along the State Library broad walk..shortly after this he was exhausted but it was great while it lasted..

Holding on gently

Felix..he can melt in your mouth..like in this amazing photo taken by one of his classmate's father...

He can also drive people to distraction...including me..

I was reading my friend Racheal's blog today and it really reasonated with me, the parts about struggling to deal with the challenges having a child that doesn't fit into the "normal comparisons".

The strange part for me is I used to work with children with disabilities far more significant than Felix's but somehow it's different..somehow I thought..well this is what I choose to do not forced upon me..I have no choice but to deal with my son..because he is my son...who else is going to deal with all that is going on?

The thing I need to remind myself is..its still a choice..I chose to keep this child, I choose everyday to wake up and be his mother..there are choices that can be made if I chose not to be... as negative as that sounds..it needs to be said.. I struggle often with the challenges, these weeks its been his hearing, I have rung every person I can to try to get someone to do something sooner...and also as much as I know he can't help it..the fact he can't hear and then doesn't listen ..drives me to distraction.. then the guilt that I am not more patient...its a circular effect...

I've had to look hard at myself these past weeks and realise that stress has built up to snapping point..and look cold and hard at myself...I actually have made a big step this week..no Internet at home for me(until today)...which means no blogging, no facebook, no email at home, no google, no games..no time wasting...and wow do I feel better..

I am going to turn off again now and access my home PC once a week, remembering I work in IT and I access multiple systems all day long..then come home and glue myself to another screen..just crazy... something has to give..and this is it..

Let see what the next week can bring for us both..

The School Ball

Last night was one of those magical nights that I want to firmly imprint in my mind..it was EJ's school ball..

Felix's first school Ball, , held at the utter magical location of the Brisbane City Hall this is the last year it will held here (it is slated to be restored), thankfully we were lucky enough to be part of this for now..

The hall was built in 1930 and sitting in the balcony looking over the grand ballroom, I felt transported in back time (perhaps too much reading of the time travelers wife ;) )

All the children came as "I wish to be..." and there were superheros, fairies, princesses, clowns, doctors, Sports hero's, rock stars, teachers, and even Scoobie Doo...the air of 700 + excited children and their families was contagious

They all performed a grand parade in their year levels and a class dance, it was wonderful and entertaining and inspiring...it was timeless and it could have been 2009 or 1939..

The Vice principle spoke of childhood memories and wishes being so short lived and precious, and it filled me with the realisation that we were all joined together in a wonderful quest to create this for our children...

The highlight was dancing together at the end, with a thousand balloons released on top of the crowd, what a wonderful spectacle..I think I was a more than a little sad at the realisation we would not be at this venue again ...

Lost in Time...

I haven't read a book cover to cover in a few days for awhile, the kind of book that you feel reluctant to put down, that you fall asleep at night reluctantly and you wake in the morning longing for the 20 minutes on the bus that you can enter the world between the typed pages...

This Book The Time Travelers wife is one of those dangerous books, that draws you in, takes you up and down the wave of emotions and adventure and keeps ahold of your until the very last page...it comes with this warning..if you are like me and become consumed by the written word then make sure you have the time to go back in when you start it..

I saw the reference to the Book Club on One Red Robin for this book which is actually hosted on this blog Meet Me at Mikes but I never made it to the book club as I read it too quickly...

Do yourself a favour and go and buy a copy..before the movie comes out..

An achievement all of my own..

Yesterday I went in the Bridge to Brisbane, I have never been in any kind of fun run in my life and never ever thought I ever would in my life join other people in such an event..ever..

Why you might ask....

When I was younger I was really hopeless at running, no really....completely hopeless... When I was 8 years old, my Mother(who, so it happens is a sports teacher) came to my school and found the other children at my school laughing at me. ...Why were they laughing? ...because I was running half an oval length behind the rest of the kids my age . ....

My mother was furious, stormed onto the field and removed me from the school, telling me that the teachers were negligent allowing the other children to laugh. I don't remember how I felt, but I don't remember running again outdoors...

To be honest, I don't remember running at all after that, I practiced a new art form... every sports day, every cross country, even swimming carnivals... I evaded ..I got so good at deceiving my teachers and escaping the humiliation of coming last ...P.E. class (physical education) was torturous, anything involving competitive sport I hated with a passion and avoided.

Fortunately, I was fairly good at many other things, like maths, science and art, so I managed to fly under the radar... I doubt even my mother knew how good I became at this...

Sports = Humiliation at so why do it?

It was not till I was an adult and I discovered on my own ...the wonder of hiking, scuba diving and rock climbing and adventure..and a whole world of non competitive sport opened up for me..I realised that physical activity was not a curse but part of living ...and amazingly my body and mind responded accordingly.. for the first time in my life I realised what it was to be truly alive..my head seemed connected to my body in a new and completed wonderful way...

..the term "natural high" was not just a phrase it was an achievable state..

It was then that I started to realise that it wasn't about being not the best..or did it even matter if I was always last... it was now about joining in, being part of something, and doing it for me...not for anyone else..

I ran yesterday, even with Bronchitis and lower fitness after the flu...I ran as hard as I could, for as long as I could..did I care people ran past me?...no.. I have only ever run on a treadmill in a Gym..never on a road..never ever before..it was so exhilarating!

It did feel great running amongst 45 000 people, the energy, the fun, the feeling that I was part of something beyond myself..the recount at work then next day, the aching muscles today..the "I finished T-shirt" I wore to bed..I want to do this again and again!!

I realised how much I need to be a role model for Felix so he doesn't end up like me, trapped by the feeling that I couldn't join in because I was afraid of not being good enough..

Because sometimes in life, it is okay just to be a part of something bigger than you...you just might enjoy it too..

End of winter

Our Queensland winter ended a week ago..

I know in some parts of the world that would be seen a good thing...to me it isn't really welcome

Please don't get me wrong... I do like Summer, but I also like Winter, Spring, and Autumn..(oh how I love Autumn) One thing I do not love about where I live is the ten months of summer and the two months of cool weather..what did Queensland do with the other seasons? I know the whole world is kind of messed up but really..how can it be 36 degrees in winter?

I know you are probably thinking..why not just move?..unfortunately there are reasons that this won't be possible for a long while for us..

Number one reason is I had a child with a person who wont move south. Number two reason that person and I are not together. Number three reason, it seems reasonable that said person would want to see his son without a plane trip involved..so Brisbane is about as seasonal as I can get while Felix is unable to travel by himself.

With the change of season brings the inevitable illness, ours was something that could have been swine flu, was definitely tonsillitis in Mr G, Felix and I, Felix had a ear infection, I have bronchitis as well for good measure and L 's is still in development... loads of fun for the whole family

The swine flu suspect

Just before all this heat and illness there was a very cool trip to the Royal Brisbane Show (aka EKKA) it cost our family around $300, which for a few rides, a feeding a few clowns balls and 1 show bag each , entry and lunch is pretty insane...but we did have fun though

This was my favourite moment at the EKKA: the science week exhibition, Felix was so focused on filling up the trays with the pipette, people kept coming up and telling me I had a budding scientist.. Felix is so like me in that he could spend hours doing something he loves oblivious to the world around

I went to visit the ENT with Felix this week, and while we are going to go ahead with the operation, they are looking at grommets as well, as his ears tend to be constantly not draining liquid, making hearing difficult for him. So another new issue.

I am really sick of being sick, I've been unwell for 3 weeks solid and coughing like crazy at night. Antibiotics don't even seem to be shaking it.

I have had my moments of feeling sorry for myself again lately, having to take more time off work with Felix when unwell and not with his hearing the behavior is really impossible. Getting action from him usually is a a series of constant reminders, getting action with no hearing and ADD behaviour is downright mind numbingly frustrating.

When you are also sick, the energy is valuable and lets just say all the moving forward we achieved , with my management of his behaviour and his listening has slid backward..what do they say: one step forward, two steps back?

There is always tomorrow, I am trying to take that little step again, celebrating the small things, knowing while we are both significantly flawed we both have so much to celebrate and give the world..and knowing that soon it will get better again..

Death is a part of life...

Last weekend I took my son to visit my Fathers Grave.

My Father died when I was 26, in the January 2000 after a long 10 year battle with the big C... four an half years before Felix was born, however I've often talked to Felix about his grandfather and he calls him his "Poppy" and talks about him frequently..

When I picked Felix up from his Dad's place, I asked if he wanted to go and see the place where Poppy is buried. He was very intrigued.... On the way there I attempted to explain to five year old Felix what a cemetery was. I told him.. its kind of like a big park where people are taken when they die... some people get buried in the grass and others like Poppy are near a rock...

Felix was quiet in thought for awhile, then....Mummy..do they still have their heads when they are buried? yes sweetheart, but most of them are only dust or bones now, as over time they lose the parts we have when we are alive..Does Poppy have his bones still? no Poppy is just dust now...I struggled as whether I should tell him Poppy was cremated and exactly what that meant so I left the burning part out.... Can you see the dust and Bones? No they are buried in the grass or behind the rocks

We arrived and started to hunt for my Fathers rock, I explained to him about the etiquette of graves and how in our culture people think its disrespectful to walk on the headstones, he dutifully showed reverence and followed my lead along the sides of the graves avoiding "stepping " on the dead..

We found my Fathers grave, with the picture of him and his dog Axel, and I told him again stories about him, how he had told me that he couldn't wait be a grandfather, how much he would have loved to meet Felix, and how parts of him reminded me of his Poppy...

I felt a pang of sadness...I though of how many times my father had told me that the best day of his life was the day I was born... he looked into the dark pools of my newborn eyes and felt he understood the meaning of life ..for him it was family..it was a heartbreaking though as to how much it would have meant to Peter Wolf to meet Felix Wolf....If I could have my father day back alive for a day... it would be the day when Felix was born, how could it be that they never got to meet?

Sitting there talking about him, I realised my fathers belief of living through the generations is becoming a reality.. my son wants to know about his grandfather, and I am happy to tell him what an amazing man he was, and even though he can't teach him to sail, or build with wood, or draw or take him swimming or all the wonderful things he did with me.

I can share with Felix, these memories, and in that way he will never truly be dead to us...