The Small Things

Scootering on a Sunny Sunday in September...

2009-09-26T09:14:00.006+10:00

I have been thinking of getting Felix a scooter for Xmas, on the recommendation that they are wonderful for Balance..and looked like great fun..so Felix tried L's (which a little small but perfect for a trial run)) but gave him a wonderful taste of scooter ness...

On a rare Sunday its just Felix and I, we took the opportunity to go out to a favourite venue..the Queensland Museum and Gallery Of Modern Art (coat checking the scooter)..while we did go inside to visit our favourite haunts..it was too beautiful outdoors to stay indoors...

Just a glorious day and a fun way to get some exercise and balance work..got some great shots along the State Library broad walk..shortly after this he was exhausted but it was great while it lasted..

Holding on gently

2009-09-19T12:36:00.006+10:00

Felix..he can melt in your mouth..like in this amazing photo taken by one of his classmate's father...

He can also drive people to distraction...including me..

I was reading my friend Racheal's blog today and it really reasonated with me, the parts about struggling to deal with the challenges having a child that doesn't fit into the "normal comparisons".

The strange part for me is I used to work with children with disabilities far more significant than Felix's but somehow it's different..somehow I thought..well this is what I choose to do not forced upon me..I have no choice but to deal with my son..because he is my son...who else is going to deal with all that is going on?

The thing I need to remind myself is..its still a choice..I chose to keep this child, I choose everyday to wake up and be his mother..there are choices that can be made if I chose not to be... as negative as that sounds..it needs to be said.. I struggle often with the challenges, these weeks its been his hearing, I have rung every person I can to try to get someone to do something sooner...and also as much as I know he can't help it..the fact he can't hear and then doesn't listen ..drives me to distraction.. then the guilt that I am not more patient...its a circular effect...

I've had to look hard at myself these past weeks and realise that stress has built up to snapping point..and look cold and hard at myself...I actually have made a big step this week..no Internet at home for me(until today)...which means no blogging, no facebook, no email at home, no google, no games..no time wasting...and wow do I feel better..

I am going to turn off again now and access my home PC once a week, remembering I work in IT and I access multiple systems all day long..then come home and glue myself to another screen..just crazy... something has to give..and this is it..

Let see what the next week can bring for us both..

The School Ball

2009-09-05T16:13:00.004+10:00

Last night was one of those magical nights that I want to firmly imprint in my mind..it was EJ's school ball..

Felix's first school Ball, , held at the utter magical location of the Brisbane City Hall this is the last year it will held here (it is slated to be restored), thankfully we were lucky enough to be part of this for now..

The hall was built in 1930 and sitting in the balcony looking over the grand ballroom, I felt transported in back time (perhaps too much reading of the time travelers wife ;) )

All the children came as "I wish to be..." and there were superheros, fairies, princesses, clowns, doctors, Sports hero's, rock stars, teachers, and even Scoobie Doo...the air of 700 + excited children and their families was contagious

They all performed a grand parade in their year levels and a class dance, it was wonderful and entertaining and inspiring...it was timeless and it could have been 2009 or 1939..

The Vice principle spoke of childhood memories and wishes being so short lived and precious, and it filled me with the realisation that we were all joined together in a wonderful quest to create this for our children...

The highlight was dancing together at the end, with a thousand balloons released on top of the crowd, what a wonderful spectacle..I think I was a more than a little sad at the realisation we would not be at this venue again ...

Lost in Time...

2009-09-03T20:33:00.002+10:00

I haven't read a book cover to cover in a few days for awhile, the kind of book that you feel reluctant to put down, that you fall asleep at night reluctantly and you wake in the morning longing for the 20 minutes on the bus that you can enter the world between the typed pages...

This Book The Time Travelers wife is one of those dangerous books, that draws you in, takes you up and down the wave of emotions and adventure and keeps ahold of your until the very last page...it comes with this warning..if you are like me and become consumed by the written word then make sure you have the time to go back in when you start it..

I saw the reference to the Book Club on One Red Robin for this book which is actually hosted on this blog Meet Me at Mikes but I never made it to the book club as I read it too quickly...

Do yourself a favour and go and buy a copy..before the movie comes out..

An achievement all of my own..

2009-08-31T19:37:00.005+10:00

Yesterday I went in the Bridge to Brisbane, I have never been in any kind of fun run in my life and never ever thought I ever would in my life join other people in such an event..ever..

Why you might ask....

When I was younger I was really hopeless at running, no really....completely hopeless... When I was 8 years old, my Mother(who, so it happens is a sports teacher) came to my school and found the other children at my school laughing at me. ...Why were they laughing? ...because I was running half an oval length behind the rest of the kids my age . ....

My mother was furious, stormed onto the field and removed me from the school, telling me that the teachers were negligent allowing the other children to laugh. I don't remember how I felt, but I don't remember running again outdoors...

To be honest, I don't remember running at all after that, I practiced a new art form... every sports day, every cross country, even swimming carnivals... I evaded ..I got so good at deceiving my teachers and escaping the humiliation of coming last ...P.E. class (physical education) was torturous, anything involving competitive sport I hated with a passion and avoided.

Fortunately, I was fairly good at many other things, like maths, science and art, so I managed to fly under the radar... I doubt even my mother knew how good I became at this...

Sports = Humiliation at so why do it?

It was not till I was an adult and I discovered on my own ...the wonder of hiking, scuba diving and rock climbing and adventure..and a whole world of non competitive sport opened up for me..I realised that physical activity was not a curse but part of living ...and amazingly my body and mind responded accordingly.. for the first time in my life I realised what it was to be truly alive..my head seemed connected to my body in a new and completed wonderful way...

..the term "natural high" was not just a phrase it was an achievable state..

It was then that I started to realise that it wasn't about being not the best..or did it even matter if I was always last... it was now about joining in, being part of something, and doing it for me...not for anyone else..

I ran yesterday, even with Bronchitis and lower fitness after the flu...I ran as hard as I could, for as long as I could..did I care people ran past me?...no.. I have only ever run on a treadmill in a Gym..never on a road..never ever before..it was so exhilarating!

It did feel great running amongst 45 000 people, the energy, the fun, the feeling that I was part of something beyond myself..the recount at work then next day, the aching muscles today..the "I finished T-shirt" I wore to bed..I want to do this again and again!!

I realised how much I need to be a role model for Felix so he doesn't end up like me, trapped by the feeling that I couldn't join in because I was afraid of not being good enough..

Because sometimes in life, it is okay just to be a part of something bigger than you...you just might enjoy it too..

End of winter

2009-08-29T09:35:00.005+10:00

Our Queensland winter ended a week ago..

I know in some parts of the world that would be seen a good thing...to me it isn't really welcome

Please don't get me wrong... I do like Summer, but I also like Winter, Spring, and Autumn..(oh how I love Autumn) One thing I do not love about where I live is the ten months of summer and the two months of cool weather..what did Queensland do with the other seasons? I know the whole world is kind of messed up but really..how can it be 36 degrees in winter?

I know you are probably thinking..why not just move?..unfortunately there are reasons that this won't be possible for a long while for us..

Number one reason is I had a child with a person who wont move south. Number two reason that person and I are not together. Number three reason, it seems reasonable that said person would want to see his son without a plane trip involved..so Brisbane is about as seasonal as I can get while Felix is unable to travel by himself.

With the change of season brings the inevitable illness, ours was something that could have been swine flu, was definitely tonsillitis in Mr G, Felix and I, Felix had a ear infection, I have bronchitis as well for good measure and L 's is still in development... loads of fun for the whole family

The swine flu suspect

Just before all this heat and illness there was a very cool trip to the Royal Brisbane Show (aka EKKA) it cost our family around $300, which for a few rides, a feeding a few clowns balls and 1 show bag each , entry and lunch is pretty insane...but we did have fun though

This was my favourite moment at the EKKA: the science week exhibition, Felix was so focused on filling up the trays with the pipette, people kept coming up and telling me I had a budding scientist.. Felix is so like me in that he could spend hours doing something he loves oblivious to the world around

I went to visit the ENT with Felix this week, and while we are going to go ahead with the operation, they are looking at grommets as well, as his ears tend to be constantly not draining liquid, making hearing difficult for him. So another new issue.

I am really sick of being sick, I've been unwell for 3 weeks solid and coughing like crazy at night. Antibiotics don't even seem to be shaking it.

I have had my moments of feeling sorry for myself again lately, having to take more time off work with Felix when unwell and not with his hearing the behavior is really impossible. Getting action from him usually is a a series of constant reminders, getting action with no hearing and ADD behaviour is downright mind numbingly frustrating.

When you are also sick, the energy is valuable and lets just say all the moving forward we achieved , with my management of his behaviour and his listening has slid backward..what do they say: one step forward, two steps back?

There is always tomorrow, I am trying to take that little step again, celebrating the small things, knowing while we are both significantly flawed we both have so much to celebrate and give the world..and knowing that soon it will get better again..

Death is a part of life...

2009-08-04T05:38:00.009+10:00

Last weekend I took my son to visit my Fathers Grave.

My Father died when I was 26, in the January 2000 after a long 10 year battle with the big C... four an half years before Felix was born, however I've often talked to Felix about his grandfather and he calls him his "Poppy" and talks about him frequently..

When I picked Felix up from his Dad's place, I asked if he wanted to go and see the place where Poppy is buried. He was very intrigued.... On the way there I attempted to explain to five year old Felix what a cemetery was. I told him.. its kind of like a big park where people are taken when they die... some people get buried in the grass and others like Poppy are near a rock...

Felix was quiet in thought for awhile, then....Mummy..do they still have their heads when they are buried? yes sweetheart, but most of them are only dust or bones now, as over time they lose the parts we have when we are alive..Does Poppy have his bones still? no Poppy is just dust now...I struggled as whether I should tell him Poppy was cremated and exactly what that meant so I left the burning part out.... Can you see the dust and Bones? No they are buried in the grass or behind the rocks

We arrived and started to hunt for my Fathers rock, I explained to him about the etiquette of graves and how in our culture people think its disrespectful to walk on the headstones, he dutifully showed reverence and followed my lead along the sides of the graves avoiding "stepping " on the dead..

We found my Fathers grave, with the picture of him and his dog Axel, and I told him again stories about him, how he had told me that he couldn't wait be a grandfather, how much he would have loved to meet Felix, and how parts of him reminded me of his Poppy...

I felt a pang of sadness...I though of how many times my father had told me that the best day of his life was the day I was born... he looked into the dark pools of my newborn eyes and felt he understood the meaning of life ..for him it was family..it was a heartbreaking though as to how much it would have meant to Peter Wolf to meet Felix Wolf....If I could have my father day back alive for a day... it would be the day when Felix was born, how could it be that they never got to meet?

Sitting there talking about him, I realised my fathers belief of living through the generations is becoming a reality.. my son wants to know about his grandfather, and I am happy to tell him what an amazing man he was, and even though he can't teach him to sail, or build with wood, or draw or take him swimming or all the wonderful things he did with me.

I can share with Felix, these memories, and in that way he will never truly be dead to us...

This week...

2009-07-29T21:35:00.004+10:00

This week Felix :
- started swimming classes at the heated pool at my gym. At this stage the enthusiasm is very high and the skill a lot lower but he was sooo excited it nearly made me cry watching him.."I am a good swimmer" he declared and proceeded to swim a metre and disappear under water...

-asked a million questions and gave me a million theories "his brain just thought of"..I tell you even if his behaviour and muscles are not quite on target..his brain is showing no signs of any delays....
- increased his pre reading skills by identifying letters and working out the words...

This week I:
- booked him in to see the ENT for the dreaded tonsil and adenoid loperation

- changed his Omega 3 tablets to eye Q (not IQ pretorius brand as previously thought, they are much higher in the good stuff but no kiddie flavours :( means eating it in a spoon of yogurt)

-read the book "you and your ADD child" and realised I could be the linking gene in the ADD trail..it could have been written about me..and learnt some great strategies

- generally have learnt to love my boy more and identify his behaviour and how to redirect his more effectively and reduce my own frustration levels in the process

Its been a good step forward..

A few days of time to think and reflect...

2009-07-24T07:12:00.004+10:00

I am quite surprised at myself and my ability to be open and accepting of what has been confirmed by the doctor.

I got the "you and you ADD child" book in the mail yesterday. I picked it up and devoured it for ideas and confirmations. I guess when you read a description that confirms what is going on for your child you know that you must be at least partly on the right track.

I spoke to his teacher yesterday, and while she has said his energy and ability to concentrate has increased (for example he would start off failing at 10 am, now they are getting to the afternoon without the exhaustion levels dropping) the issues still exist for him.

I don't feel worried about the label to be honest (though I'm not waving it from a banner either) I just hope to continue to get good teachers that can work with this. I am still considering having him repeat prep , whether that would be the better option or to repeat year 1 if needed...I'm not entirely sure...

I am feeling a little less lost and more on track with whats going on, I hope we can continue to move forward and get to the bottom of things for him...

A diagnosis is better than not knowing?

2009-07-21T14:57:00.004+10:00

Well I always compounded this theory didn't I? saying things like better to know than not, and better to find out what it isn't etc...

So today we saw Dr Barry Steinberg a local private Paediatrician of good reputation. We had a one hour assessment to go over the concerns of all those around Felix.

He read the school reports, the speech reports, listened, and weighed, measured and asked many questions about his behaviour and his history.

At the end he gave me a long and comphrensive overview of where he saw Felix.

There seem to be several areas of concern he has going for him. He is showing many traits of ADD (not ADHD which is the hyperactive side) but having come home and looked up the traits, it is easy to see why he's reached this conculsion, all the ticks are in the box.

Inattention
The child often:
misses details or makes careless mistakes in school-work or other activities
has trouble organising tasks and activities
loses things needed for tasks or activities, eg. toys, school assignments, pencils, books
has trouble sticking to tasks or play activities
does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
doesn't follow through instructions that he is able to understand, and does not finish tasks (eg. at school or chores at home)
tries to get out of doing things that require a lot of thinking and concentrating (these are hard work and tiring)
is easily distracted
is forgetful in daily activities.

He also has low tone (which we knew) hyperextension of the joints which are part of a muscular developmental disorder (not sure how we research that one) but this is where the Physio plays a role.. The other factor is the tonsils and adnoids being removed, need to looks at this again because it could be playing a in everything as well.

So what is recommended? well basically each of these things affect the other, the muscle issue affect the ADD, the snoring (adnoid removing) can be lowering the energy and making the other issue more significant. So in a nutshell:

revisit ENT to get tonsils and adnoids removed

keep up the physio and fine motor skill work (cutting, drawing colouring) for muscles

keep up the Fish oil, though he did recommend swapping from the Nature's Way brand to the IQ pretorious not sure why but he asked us to try a different brand and see if the results changed.

look at getting this programe which had great results with ADD kids Fast for word

also recommended a book called you and your ADD child for ideas with behaviour management.

How do I feel, strangely moderate I guess, I feel we are on the right path, things are ringing true for me, and that help and an outcome is on the way....I guess part of me feel a little sad its not easier fix, but then I feel bad because on a life scale this is really nothing...

The positives are that I have seen improvements this year and knowing that we dont have a lifetime sentance is wonderful. His weight is also on the scale and so no major concerns there for him.

I have bought the book online and hope to start the "fast for word" program soon with him, so its a another step in the journey, I think it can only keep getting better now...

A catch up on Felix

2009-07-19T18:52:00.003+10:00

Its been awhile since I posted on the daily journey for Felix..

This week finally we have the peadictrican's assessment.

Things have moved along quite significantly for him since my last post. His energy is vastly improved (yesterday we walked around Alma Park Zoo all day and he didn't complain once about being tired or needing to be carried) although his muscle development still seems to be behind for his age,

His end of school report was great, especially considering the beginning of year reports! Ms Richie tells us that he is finally going days of being able to sit and pay attention and his development as a result is rapidly increasing. She started crying in the interview she was so overcome with emotion about this situation for him..she's such a lovely first teacher, how lucky we are to have someone who cares so much for his well being..

What has changed she asked me? Well we have been working on the jumping (now stopped as its too cold in the early evening) and fine motor skills (drawing, writing, cutting) and he has been taking a multivitamin and 2000mg of fish oil daily(omega 3 ), making sure he gets 11+ hours a day sleep but after that, not really much ...could it just be that its all paying off?

I still have big questions as to why he has such low muscle tone, and such low energy. We are working hard to get him there, like why is he still so small, he is growing but is it enough? I have to be very careful to not mention my fears directly in front of him as he has a complex about his size as it is...

So as you see we are getting there on step at a time...

As for me I still juggle...I feel in someways less guilt and more enjoyment with him in outside school time..I really try to focus on these moments we do have together and not on what we are missing...

I've started the gym again every weekday morning (5:30am eeep), not only will this help with my energy but also my stress levels and clear my mind for what we need to get done. I'm hoping to start Felix at midweek swimming classes at the gym heated pool, so he can get prepared for term 4 swimming again with his school class, he really loves swimming so much and he's really quite good at it..

until next time, I hope we have something to share after the Drs appointment on Tuesday, I am not holding too many hopes up..too many years of being told they don't know...

Trip to Sydney...

2009-07-19T18:34:00.002+10:00

It's been awhile since I updated this blog, which I think is usually a good sign.. life seems to gradually coming together..busy as always but good..

In the holidays I decided to take Felix down to see his Fairy godmother and her boys, her oldest Arquinn is only 6 months younger than Felix and they were like 2 peas in a pod..which for us was a wonderful thing to experience. Felix and I dont have much family and these guys are like extended family so to see the boys relating so well was just so wonderful...

I guess when you are 4 & 5, it only really takes a shared love of trains, cars and being willing to share toys to get along..I think that they were similar in size was also wonderful, you could be forgiven for thinking they were related...

Felix was also very taken with little Kian, he's never really been attracted to babies, but I was almost thinking he was going to turn around and ask for a baby brother himself..but luckly I got off that hook!

It was really such a great time to spend 4 solid days with him, our own little adventure away...

Happy Birthday Captain Rex (aka Felix)

2009-05-18T11:08:00.007+10:00

My boy turned 5 years old last Friday and his party was held on Sunday at our local park.

It was 15 kids (his friends and their siblings) a Star Wars (clone wars theme) a white chocolate mud (captain rex) cake, food, some games and sports and party bags.

As I dont get to see him interact with his school friends it was wonderful, I really felt like a headless chook most of the day (give me a small cluster anyday) but I really do feel it was worthwhile and everyone seemed to have fun. It does really amazing me how other working parents manage this ? I think my household organisation skills leave alot to be desired...

I think every year I swear not to do the party and each year he's had one of some kind (except his first year I think we just did close family and friends) but seriously when its all over and you have the smiles and photos to look at, then you must dull the memory of the preparation and the energy expense...

I get pretty tired of writing how full on life is, but recently it really just has seemed to reach epic proportions, we have been looking to buy a house, work is negotiating a new contract with me and to be honest the dangle of more money is extremely attractive, but the stress gets higher and leaves you wondering some days..why on earth am I doing this? I think my main problem is I dive into things and take on more and more on myself till I reach the point of saturation and then try to come up gasping for air..

Anyhow I've said it before I am not a good life balancer..I do feel that I try though, if I could describe my life at the moment , it would be..I am *trying hard* at everything in life..trying to be a good parent, trying to be a good partner, trying to be good at my job, trying to be good at managing a household and trying to be a good friend..I think several of these are managable, others have their days and some like managing the house I down right suck at...things like more money might buy me a housecleaner, then thats balance huh? lol...one balances the other.

Goal one: Stamina

2009-04-27T20:09:00.003+10:00

This is what jumping on your new trampoline looks like at 6:30 in the morning, something tells me this was a good investment...

and he's not the only one having fun...

An update on us..

2009-04-26T20:23:00.006+10:00

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I posted about Easter, it seems like a lifetime ago already, life is crazy and forever changing fortunately alot of good this time!

The Easter school holidays being the first for the boys was spent with Grandparents, for Felix it was a deliberate choice to make sure he didn't have to go to Vacation Care as he clearly needed a rest..

Felix and Oma reading Uno's Garden

I had 8 days away from him (except for one night when Mum brought him up to stay with us) and it was strange but I did realise how much we jam into a school day both he and I, it was quite a shock be able to get out of bed and into the shower and be at work by 7:30 am.. it is definitely easier than being working mum, getting a prep child ready for school... just looking after myself and while I missed him like crazy, I did appreciate the change of pace ...

His energy levels after the holiday have been much better, and we are starting to get to the bottom of the reasons for it, but step by step..

Monday (pupil free Day) was a physiotherapy assessment as the school is concerned with his muscle tone, he has very low tone in his over all muscles and gets excessively tired at school, he is behind is ages with balance, gross and fine motor skills and when he gets tired then he cannot cope with paying attention. This at present seems to be what is causing him the issues..

The Physio has given us 5 goals to work on:

Stamina increase
Coordination Increase
Muscle tone increase
Sitting in Class
Arm strength (fine motor skills)

We will have a session with her once a month and work on a program and reassess how he goes every month.

The first month we have been asked to buy a Trampoline (guess what he has for his birthday- pics to come) for stamina increasing (which I said was my first goal) and ball play, and encourage lots of running and swimming, basically as much physical as we can. Given her assessment of of low muscle tone, she said it is even more important for him to build these up to get through the day , it is obviously important for all children to be healthy and strong, but for Felix he needs it just to be able to do what his peers are....

I bought the Trampoline last week with him and it was delivered Friday, Mr G, L and I put it together and I realised what a great investment for all of us it is. I think Mr G and I had forgotten how cool jumping is..and such great exercise, i was surprised..L also thinks it is a fabulous investment and so great for the whole family..

We also had the ENT (Otolaryngologists ) specialist appointment which lead to the extraction of 2 very substantial ear wax plugs from each ear..so hellooo hearing! Felix was an absolute champ during the procedure (the GP wouldn't do it as the wax was very far down and I had spend weeks trying to get it out with wax solve) he gripped my hand and was extremely brave..

He has also suggested the removing his Tonsils and Adnoids would be of use and we are booked for extraction in July, I am still not sure it is vital, I am going to monitor his sleep patterns to gain a better picture of what is happening for him.....snoring and breath holding are something I have seen him do and given the reports from parents who say this procedure has very much improved their children's sleep and then energy levels/ behaviour..I am going to focus on the stamina building and see how we go..another reason for hesitation is the cost..$1500 out of pocket.. now if I think it is needed I will do it..but still on the fence a little....I think I'm going to try for a second opinion, I'm looking for a good GP in our area atm so hopefully might get someone a little more experienced than our current one..who is nice enough but seems extremely removed from everything I've been to him with..

So anyhow bit by bit we are getting some answers, the good news is with the hard stuff comes good stuff, knowing he isn't delayed comprehension wise is something I hold onto..though the Physio said if we don't get onto the physical delays we are going to wind up with one frustrated little boy come Grade 1...

Here I leave you with a day in the park on Brisbane Sunny Sunday with a Frisbee and 2 small boys..

What four days with not alot to do will create..

2009-04-14T18:49:00.004+10:00

What qualifies for a good Easter?

Eat too much chocolate- check
Drink too much wine- check
Spend lots of time watching TV - check
Play cards and lose to a 5 year old- check
Sleeping in - check
Have family to stay and family over for lunch- check
fight like jedi knight with kids light sabres -check
Knit fast enough to finish something- check
Watch the rain- check
Feel sad that it is all over after 4 days and you must go back to work again- check

F comes home from his Dads tomorrow after a week away, there was definitely one person missing in all the fun..

Shadow Shot Sunday # 24- Tallebudgera Beach and water shadows..

2009-03-29T23:13:00.006+10:00

Today was a perfect Queensland autumn day..and where else do you head but for the water..

after a beach lunch we took L down for a swim, this place Tallebudgera Creek has long been a favourite of mine, I think returning to some where on the Gold Coast I love, reminded me that it is really is a beautiful place...

These don't take too much explanation, Mr G and my underwater shadows..

Check out the colours below of the other parts of the beach, and there absolutely no retouching, that is the truest of colour...

For those who want the link again for the memory photo effect below..here it is.. just upload and save..

Surf over to Hey Harriet and check out the shadows

Finally some better news..

2009-03-28T14:24:00.004+10:00

This week has been an up an down one, but ended on a high

The speech therapist did her assessment on Felix on Friday (she's observed hi last week) she rang me, apparently he scored a 106 from a potential 70-115, meaning she didn’t feel that there was any major need for concern from a speech perspective at this stage . She said the sounds (his teacher and were concerned about his ability to pronouce alot of words) he makes are still within a range of normal for his age, she did say his ability to process language and respond on a one on one was good, and apparently they test their sounds and their ability to be creative with the language .
She was very comprehensive in her questions and review of his medical history, she talked about the paediatrician he will be seeing ( she knew of him and siad she'd heard mixed reports) and what the plan involving in getting all his issues resolved.

I talked to her about the nasal sounds and she said she noticed that and that look at the tonsil side of things was something she had noticed and told me about a friend that has her children tonsils removed an that improved their sleep quality and then their development. It is something that the ENT(ear nose throat specialist) can look into. Everytime we see a doctor they comment how large his tonsils are...but no one has ever refered us, till I requested a awhile ago (only to wait 10 months still in the public system) so time to take matters into out own hands privately..

So they don’t think his speech is an issue (and hence affecting his ability to participate socially) given his age and the sounds he can’t pronounce given he is not 5 as yet( and the fact he really only started talking properly just over a year ago), she will keep in touch with the Teacher and see how he develops in this regard.

This week I picked him up early on Wednesday as well, and he was so happy and excited( as was I)..I hate hate hate, having him go to after school care atm. I wish I had an alternative. To make me feel top of the world another parent said to me"oh it's so wonderful to see you here today, we see Felix go off to afterschool care every day he must be so happy to have you pick him up.." I think she meant well..but seriously..I dont have that option right now...

He had his first school cross country on Friday, dressed in his Yellow house colours and he did so well. I stood in the crowd (luckily the race was at 9.00am so I was able to start work a little late and watch him) A woman in the crowd next to me said- at that tiny little one in the yellow shirt running (this was F) it'sreally strange how the other parents treat him ..like he's a fragile little thing..and he's far from it..

He was really excited despite the intial concern that everyone would be faster than him, he ended up about 8th (there were 2 behind him which he was pretty happy about..though I had to point out that it wasn't nice to mention you were faster than the kids how came last ..but he is male and four afterall)

So the week has been alot better, his behaviour at home has really improved this week, he is makeing friends and even though he has areas he is still struggling in , I feel like we are getting somewhere, ruling things out at least...

How we are travelling..

2009-03-24T20:35:00.002+10:00

I realised today I still hadn't posted some photos of F and my Alex beach get away..

It was a important time for me, with all that has gone in our lives this past year I felt like I had lost the connection I always shared with F, sure we did things together still, but I really was struggling with what is going on for him and wondered how I missed it..I think thats what gets me the most.. how did I make myself believe everything was okay

These are a few taken up there and edited here..I love the old memory effect it gives, like collected newspapers..

The trip was a good thing for us, I relearnt some good stuff about my boy and thought hard about the other stuff...

F started speech therapy this week, so that a good step, he also seems to be enjoying school more..we went to see his old kindy on Monday..and we both cried as we left..I wish we were there again in alot of ways..because I knew he was okay there..everyone loved him and accepted him..but on the reverse side I am not sure the things school is discovering would have been picked up there...and despite the high expectations and F not coping very well, I realise how far he has come in 2 short months...

I have made some changes in our life, and realised that I was ignoring things for awhile..if someone said..he's fine I was more likely to listen than if someone said..I think there is a problem..

The good news is the larger opinion is that F has not have an intectual impairment, the rest no one is really willing to put a finger on until we can cover all areas..I cried myself to sleep last night again while Mr G held me..I feel still so lost and I want to curl up in a ball and not unwind..

I took him swimming at his school and saw for myself how far behind he is physically and socially, and how he reacts with his peers and teachers, and I also saw how much they all like him and support him..so bittersweet...I just wanted to take him home and wrap him in my arms and never let him go again..but thats not really going to help is it?

Of course I realise now that starting Prep perhaps was not the best move, there were many reasons why we did and it was something I was unsure about right from the start..

But we are here now and we will get there..so it seems the small things has a new meaning..

Shadow Shot Sunday # 23- the unexplained

2009-03-16T16:20:00.004+10:00

This weeks shadow shot is very ambigious, and for today I am going to leave it unexplained.... There seems to be a lot in my life at the moment that is unexplained or beyond my understanding so I think it's quite apt....

I mentioned last week taking Felix away with me to the Sunshine Coast, and the stress of previous weeks, well the reasons continue but the good news is my coping skills are increasing bit by bit and thats helping alot..

Basically Felix is being reviewed for additional needs at the moment at his school, there is a school assigned to him and I have been talking with her and his teacher about what is going on for my boy.

They will observe him over the next few weeks and advise me of the outcome, this will basically be only the beginning while we all work out whether Felix has physical, intellectual or behavioural problems(or a combination of all). I took him to the GP today to get a referal for a new Peadiatrician (we haven't seen one regularly since moving from the Gold Coast) despite me going privately, we still have to wait 1 month for the Ear Nose and Throat specialist and 3 months for a private Peadrician appointment.

There is so much here that is a good thing, but for me I took alot of these investigations on board, there was so much guilt attached to not being there enough for him, losing touch with what was happening for him, and of course needing to work full time which meant he is exhausted everyday.

I have needed to let go alot of this and just focus on what can be done from now on, I realised I was beating myself up and wasting vital energy I could be using to deal with what I need to.

Anyhow I'm a bit late for SSS but I have great hopes for this week being a giant step forward.. Hope where ever you are in the world you are stepping forward too!

Shadow Shot Sunday # 22- sharks in the shadow..

2009-03-08T16:46:00.006+10:00

Shark's under the shadow

Sharks above

F and I went up to the Sunshine Coast for a mini break, these sharks were taken from underneath in the tunnel of Underwater world

Shadow Shot Sunday # 21- Fossil Fossicking

2009-03-01T08:35:00.004+10:00

Trilobite fossil the last of the trilobites died out over 250 million years ago

On Saturday we went to the local Gem Showby the North Brisbane Lapidary Club, Mr G has long been a gem and fossil show enthusist and has plenty of amazing things in his collection

We bought the boys the beginning of their own fossil collection, F's collections starting from the left are Fossilised fish; ammonite black, ammonite white, Spinosaurus tooth ; shark tooth fossil and trilobite fossil

Also found these great storage boxes at the cheap shop, and now they have the beginnings of their own fossil collection, nothing quite like owning box of things that date back hundreds of millions of years...bit like having a museum in your bedroom..

I'll admit I love this stuff, they also make some very cool shadows, due to the detail and subtle nature of the fossils I did a photoshop cutout to enphasise them. I think the results are pretty cool.

F hasn't seen these(having been at his dads this weekend) as yet but given his love for dinosaurs he is bound to be blown away about having his own dinosaur tooth..

This week has been a bit better for me, I found out a health concern is cleared up, got a rate increase at work, and had a wonderful friday night date night with Mr G..I'm starting to feel more human again..still plenty to get sorted out but I feel a bit hopeful..

Fossick your way over to Hey Harriet and check out those gorgeous Sunday shadows..

Shadow Shot Sunday # 20- a moment of quiet in a mad week...

2009-02-22T07:50:00.005+10:00

This week has been one of those really hard ones, every aspect of my life seems under pressure..work has been crazy ..my workload has increased and I'm adjusting to that.. F has been having some problems at school and his Teacher is concerned...Mr G and I have been arguing..mainly as a result of the pressue in our lives... and to top it all off we have been sick..It really was a week that when Friday finally rolled around ... I could gladly say good bye to it.. The weekend has been glorious, though I am feeling I need just one more day...

These shadows were of a quiet moment with Felix in the shadows of our room, he'd just come out the shower and the light was creating a great effect particularly on his superlong eyelashes.. This week really has been a struggle to find the small things..but this quiet moment is one of them..

Click over to Hey Harriet and check out the shadow action, I am hoping your week was better than mine and next week life has slowed down a little again!

The compromise of the working mother...

2009-02-16T20:49:00.004+10:00

Life is definitely a juggling act when you work in any capacity and parent a child..

Single, partnered, partnered with another person not your childs parent..it all has it challenges and merits..

I think I've mentioned before, I've always worked since F was born (well 4 months old), but fortunately it has been in the capacity when he was younger that enabled me to stay home while he was tiny..

I am still lucky, I work full time in a management role and I can occasionally take a day at home to work remotely when F is sick and needs me..

But there are things I can't do, things I want to experience and my work life wont allow me..

Like tonight missing the earlier bus at work to catch the second bus later and getting there 10 mins to 6 to a little boy who was confused and thought I'd forgotten him as I was 15 mins later than usual from after school care..

Like asking him all about his swimming lessons at school and him asking"why dont you come and see me swim like all the other mummies?" How do i explain to my son in real terms that I must work to help get us a better life and more options..not to mention to buy food, clothes, and pay rent..I told him" I thought about you all day today, I look at your picture and I imagine you standing there diving in the pool, I wish that I could be there too..."

I have made Monday and Friday the days I take him to his classroom directly, not to Before School Care, because I want to talk to his teacher and see what he is doing there...it makes me late for work, and I have to work harder to make up for it, but it is worth it...

The upside is next week we are going to a hearing test in the city and I get to take him to visit my office...Last time he visited my office he was so impressed at the building and the people and their computers..he used to always watch for my building when we passed the CBD in the car.. It makes me feel a bit better that he can tell people what his Mummy does at her office in the City...

I hope one day he realises that I did alot of this for him.. for me too...but mostly so he can have everything he needs in life, and choice..when I see the great school he goes to, I know that in moving up here and thus enabling him to go there, I did get it right ...

Shadow Shot Sunday #19- Mr G's dinosaur shadows

2009-02-15T08:14:00.005+10:00

On top of Mr 's computer desk are 2 dinosaur skeletons, Mr G has a vast knowledge of these creatures and he has said he would have become a paleontologist if they made any money... I believe him, I think he'd be quite sexy digging away in the dirt..

they make for some very cool shadows and we had fun playing wih them to get these..

Can you tell what dinosaurs they are?

Well I know of course ... but I am seeing how many of you out there can correctly name them..? general names only needed..

Do the dinosaur rumpus over to Hey Harriet and check out the other shadows...